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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in jacks_shadow's LiveJournal:

Sunday, July 9th, 2006
6:38 pm
..............
I had all sorts of stuff to say...

All sorts of thoughts........

And once again I sit in front of the screen and find that it seems like it would be kind of pointelss.......

So here is a message saying, Hi. I'm not dead. Shiny

Talk to ya'll later

S
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
2:06 pm
not that there was a demand.... but here is more of my goings on....
So here we go again. Day 3….. and I am probably not going to do this daily because…. Well frankly I don’t think any of you would care enough to read this drivel on a daily basis, HOWEVER…. I figured I would at least let you know some shit. Also… well if I say everything here I won’t have anything to say when I get home, now will I.

Well…. Assuming I come home (See weather)

The weather here is SO nice… even with the…… 19-20 hours of daylight (not an exaggeration). Almost always overcast in the afternoon (there has been sun most mornings), windy, cool. Absolutely perfect weather in so many ways. Adds to the atmosphere as I am at a *ponders* 500 or 800 year old school. So beautiful old buildings, cobblestones, the whole bit. Now this is just this area, Aberdeen proper is more industrialized but this area feels like I always wanted college to feel like….. don’t get me wrong, I imagine the college students here are just as distracatable, and much like at home…. But the ATMOSPHERE is nice.

Yeah…. Techno….. bag-pipes. I mean, the electric bag-pipes were pretty nifty in the FIRST place. But the techno stuff on them!? Shiny. I am going to E-mail the piper and get some links from him on what bands to look to, I swear I am going to come home with some of this stuff if it kills me. So saw that and highland dancing at a castle yesterday (ghost story and all). “Unfortunately” the castle was modified into a manor in the Victorian era…. So it was more like walking around a Victorian mansion…. But still shiny. Have pics, la. The dancing was nifty of sorts… looks pretty much as you would imagine. The tartans were interesting though. 4 girls, three in matching tartans so I ASSUME they are family. (looked like a mother and two girls) while the final one had a different one. The piper had a different one too.

Football in pubs is kinda fun too (and two pints on an empty stomach has me thinking anything is pretty good). Actually watched most of England v. Sweden last night at the pub. Any sports bar is pretty interesting with a good game going on, but this is one of those places where age, race, wealth, doesn’t matter… it was full of people watching the game, cheering and so on.

Black Pudding is a fascinating tasting dish if you have an opportunity to try it by the by. Not saying whether it is good or bad… just fascinating… it was pretty good though.

Loads of greenery… sheep… greenery…

Don’t think I have anything else that would interest the lot of you. So I am gonna sign off…

Current Mood: content
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
6:39 pm
Not now
Right.... so.... here I am. I would share a bit more about my time and stuff here (even if it is just two days) but I had a bit of an epiphany earlier and am still trying to swallow it. I will some "stories" perhaps later. For now though, I am alive, I am here, and I heard techno piping today.....

Yes.... techno music.... on an electric bag-pipe.....

No..... I am not kidding.....

Live......

*scurries away*

Current Mood: amused
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
10:14 pm
..... needed sharing.....
Quote: "Have you ever noticed that Fantasy Football is effectively Dungeons and Dragons for all the meatheads who made fun of the guys who played Dungeons and Dragons."
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
9:05 pm
After these Messages
This had to be shared with one and all (and hopefully it will be read and shared)

I will return to doing battle with my dragons shortly but this needed sharing. *Roar from off screen* Yes Yes......

Okay, So my mother has a friend that does a lot of traveling. He was recently down in Mississippi, near Meridian to be exact. He was being shown around by a "Good Ole Southern Boy." Kinda annoying but..... well whatever. So he tells the guy, " I need to find a gift shop, I always try and find something nice for my daughter when I go somewhere."

Guy: I have just the place....

So he takes this person to a little local gift shop. He is a little bemused, not sure it is quite the right place. "Everything was essentially 'Stars and Bars' and the like... so not really what I was looking for." Which he tells the guy,

Guy: "You have to go check upstairs...

Friend: Umm..... Okay.....

He goes upstairs and.... I FUCKING kid you not.... hoods... and robes.... the WHOLE get up. Along with patches, and ropes. HOODS AND ROBES!!! And that wasn't the BEST part!!! There are READY MADE WOODEN CROSSES!!!! READY TO MOUNT IN SOMEONE'S YARD AND GET TO BURNIN'!!!!!

I fuckin' kid ya'll NOT. Hoods and robes... and burnin' crosses. EVERYTHING. IN A GIFT SHOP!!!!!!

HAD TO SHARE!!!!

*Burst of flame from off screen* Right Right.... back to do battle. *hefts a sword and walks back* Had to share........
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
7:59 pm
Attraction
I am going to start this post with a simple statement: I adore my sister.
My sister and I have one of those relationships where we can (and do) talk about almost any thing. This evening we have spent most of the evening talking about any number of things.

One of the subjects got me thinking though. We were discussing how you can lust after a person and not be attracted to them. It started with my looking at two women, wearing very little clothing (as is the season) in a restaurant and having this go through my head.

Animalisitic HindBrain: Grrrrr... flesh... cleavage....

Brain:.... yes, but I don't find them attractive.

Animalistic Hindbrain:...... Lust.....

Brain: NOT attractive........ which is interesting.

So though the thought process is this. It is possible to have a gutteral lust reaction to a person but NOT be attracted to them. There is a difference in all this too. The lust component is simply that animalistic reaction to exposed skin, or cleavage. But you might not find that person attractive. My sister then pointed out that there would actually be the third catagory of "Being Attracted to." So according to this idea there are three levels.

1) Lust after

2) Find Attractive

3) Be Attracted to

She then asked, "Are they mutually exclusive... or do they require each other. My theory, in the first place was that one would require leading to another. To reach stage 3 one had to go through stage 1 and 2. My sister argued with that saying that it was completely possible to feel only one or two stages and that they do not necissarily lead one to another. For instance, she has a friend that Lusts after her... SO (the situation is complicated so we will just call it that) and is attracted to him BUT does not find him attractive. She was found attractive and was attracted to her last b/f, but never felt that animalistic lust.

For the sake of argument I am viewing the differences this way.

1) That raw animalistic twitch having less to do with attraction and more to do with the raw loins AND have an urge to start tearing clothing off to have your naught (and censored) way with the person.

2) You can articulate WHAT you want find attractive, lacking perhaps that passion, but when you look at the person you can say WHY they are attractive.

3) You can say WHY they are attractive AND you are personally attracted to them, you feel a draw to them based on their appearance.

The question then is this, for a relationship to function properly, and healthily are all three required or are only one or two. Is it healthy to only have one or the other? Am I missing stages? Are there too many? Is there a difference between lust and attraction... etc etc

Just my musings
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
4:54 am
Masks and Identities
Once again I am here rambling at some unseemly time in the morning because a thought has stuck in my mind.

This one is about identity and image; about masks. As much as I don't want to sound like some melodramatic emo angst monkey I think I would be safe in saying that everyone wears masks. Some of them are more general and harmless than others. The mask of politeness that we wear even when someone is being unbearably rude to us because manners dictate it. The mask of service and honor that we wear when dealing with an incompitant boss that not only can't do his job but probably couldn't pull yours off either. The usual masks that people put on because it fascilitates society functioning.

What I am thinking of though are either other masks or deeper masks. The masks that make us who we are. The roles we play. Husband, boyfriend, friend, employee, boss... do these things define us. What makes us who we actually are, and what are masks. And how can you really tell the difference if you spend so much time switching between masks. I was blissfully watching an anime this... morning... when this struck me. The idea presented was that the character was trying to understand his role. He no longer knew who he was, especially as his "roles" were stripped from him he felt more and more lost. Without purpose he felt no value. He didn't know who he was without being able to reference the roles he played. It was only when he realized that he identified the roles rather than the opposite that he was able to command those roles properly. Is that how it works... how does one fine value in ones life without roles... without knowing who you are supposed to be. Lots of people would argue that an actualized human being finds meaning in himself and doesn't need an externalized reason. Couldn't it be said though that they are filling a role that they decided they should fill? When do we stop being a mask and a role that we play and when are we actually WHO we are. Or are we ever.

I have recently been forced to examine a couple of my own masks and the actions of those around me that involve heavy duty use of masks. My family makes use of masks a lot, all of us do. We just keep these things up when dealing with people. We don't cater to people per se, but rather we show them what WE choose to let them see. That isn't to say that we are being dishonest or even evasive. It is a matter of letting different people see different parts of oneself. But sometimes it is too much... sometimes all you want to do is drop it all... to strip yourself down to the bare minimum... to truly see what is there. Hell sometimes it isn't even that gradiose or emo... it is just a wish to relax. To finally be able to look at someone and say, "You know... there isn't anything more... I am... Me." To simply exist with another human being and not have to think, "What is this person thinking, what is this person doing, what is this person hiding." It gets to tiring keeping the masks up. People would say then, "well drop the masks... be real with us... we're your friends." Well that may be the case, but that doesn't mean you need to hear it, need to see it.

Masks are like an addiction... they being to feed on themselves. It gets to the point that no matter WHAT you do you HAVE to keep the mask up. You can't let it drop. Want to or not. You begin to be trapped by your own image. Your stuck living some kind of lie you would have given up ages ago but don't know how. So you are stuck with this artificial face plastered over your true face. This isn't meant to be whining or anything of the sort. Frankly if you find yourself in this situation, it's your own fault. You got yourself here, you crafted your own prison this time. A Defense is what most people would call it, I can already hear the Psych Addicts harping about how it is a defense mechanism, how they aren't necissary for a psychologically adjusted person. BS I say unto them. Everyone of them has a mask... they have an image, and affectation that they present to the world. It is part of being human, an individual. We are so seperate from one another that our only way TO interact is through masks, whether on purpose or not. We can't truly know another person, and they can't know us. So we place barriers between ourselves. We reveal portions and half-truths of our soul...

At this point I am babbbling, and have probably lost whatever train of thought that brought me here. This doesn't really serve any purpose... I just wondered, as I watched that anime, who we are when our masks are stripped away. What are we left with when affectation, mask, role and image is stripped away and we are forced to face ourselves. Is there anything left? Or are we nothing more than the face we put forward to the outside world... and what do you do when that image and the image in your soul don't match.

Current Mood: exhausted
Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
4:09 am
Honesty
So here I am at 4:00 AM wondering at something, the use of honesty.

So a couple of friends of mine are over and lo and behold there is one of those well known early morning conversations. The conversation comes up that I would like little more than to tie all of my friends down and either drug them with truth serum or get them drunk and peeved. In this state I would get out of them EXACTLY what they REALLY think of one another. There is the idea that the only time you really get to meet someone is if they are under some kind of duress. There was some disagreement among the 3 of us as to whether it would be such a good idea. Whether the shock of REALLY hearing what would be said would destroy many of the friendships as people are unwilling to understand. Along those same lines one of my friends, one chibi_trillian, stated that she would hate to have telepathy because you could always hear what people really thought of you. As far as I am concerned though it would be better to know, to always be aware of what people think of you so that you know the score. You know where you stand.

The more I have thought about this though the more I have realized that so few people actually tell the truth. Few people are really truly honest with one another. Now I am not necissarily talking about the people that you have no reason to be honest with. But with friends and lovers even. So many people lie and hide things from one another. It happens all around us all the time. Comb over LJ and read peoples posts.... so many are about people being less that honest, less than straight forward about things. It is so hard to be sure of what someone really thinks of you which makes it hard to be honest with them in return. It is a vicious circle.

That is not to say that honesty is pleasant all the time. Rebekahrae and I try to have a VERY honest relationship with one another.... which frequently results in absolutely obliterated moods after one of our "Talks." But in the end we are better for it, we are better for having been straight with one another as to what is going through our heads concerning the other. There are few questions but a fair amount of angst and twisting in the flames of criticism.

Which leaves us with the question.... is honesty the best policy. We are raised being told exactly that, and yet society itself demands that we be secretive and hidden with our true thoughts and feelings. This hypocracy is woven throughout the fabric of our "civilization" and still we ignore it. So are we better thsi way... or would we be better, in general, if we tried to be more open with those that we are close to. Maybe fights could be avoided if these negative thoughts and feelings could be gotten out before they get bad rather than allowing them to pollute the entire relationship... just a thought.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, April 4th, 2005
6:22 pm
Funny Thing
Okay...... so I don't do this often, but I felt the need.

It is a funny thing to be sitting wondering at your life and make a couple interesting discoveries. The most interesting one is to discover you don't really like a friend.

Now this may be simple blathering to many people but all this is meant to be is just a bit of musing.....

So you start pondering where exactly the problem in your life is, you know your not happy.... or even very contended right now. But you also know that frankly, except for one or two relatively little things, you have no reason to be UNhappy. So you starting pondering and flipping through the file cabinet of your mind to try and find that crucial bit of info with the answer. Not to say that there is something to BLAME, or that an attitude adjustment is all you need. But rather an exploration of what seems to be bothering you on the surface.... versus what is really bothering you. So you start sifting through data, bits of detrius floating around your mind trying to discover the cause... the root of your discontent. You go through the usual, the obvious. Trying to find that one thing that, if fixed, would make you feel better, would allow you to deal better with the rest of it. So you sift and sift, dig and dig, examining anything you can think of that is setting you off. And as you are digging, you make a discovery. You don't like some things you didn't realize you didn't like. Now with certain things, this isn't an issue, you know.... it's not a big deal. You make the thing you don't like go away, and poof, your better... well a bit better. The problem arises when this is a person, a friend even, that you suddenly decide, you're not too fond of them. The realization could come for many reasons, the reasoning could come from even more. None of that is really the important bit, the vital bit is what you DO when that bit of knowledge comes down the pike.

So you are stuck sitting, still digging through files, wondering what to do. You can't confront them, not really their fault OR problem. You can't cut them off, causes too much chaos with your other friends. Instead you are wondering why... why do you bother. Which, if you are already a bit... dispondent, leads to the question of why you bother with any of your friends, like them or no. And that, oh void of the net, is NEVER a thought process you really want to do deal with.

So here I still sit, watching entertaining TV on DVD, while inventorying the video collection of a dead man so I can sell it on the internet... fun fun fun

And to those of you that find this grammatically, or styalistically irritating due to the usual complaints.... C'est la Vie

Current Mood: contemplative
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